A Miscarriage Story - Kylee Singh
Updated: Mar 22, 2021
Isn't it funny how most of us women spend our late teens and twenties making sure we don't get pregnant? The elder women in our lives lead us to believe all it takes is that one time and your whole life changes. Before I had even lost my virginity I went to the clinic and put myself on birth control and from 16 until my early 30's I feared the accident might happen so I stayed on birth control and used Plan B countless times. Then in 2015, I married my best friend and partner of 9 years. We were finally ready for an accident to happen and guess what, it did. I just so happened to be ovulating on our honeymoon in Hawaii, it was all so perfect. When we got home my husband had to leave town for work for a few weeks and I remember taking my first pregnancy test, staring at the faint blue lines wondering if it could really be true. I scheduled my 8 week appointment with the birth center knowing my husband wouldn't be there but that I would surprise him with the news and the ultrasound pics when he got home. My little secret had me bursting with excitement, the thought of how excited I was to tell the news to my husband, to my parents, to my grandparents, the first (great) grandbaby. When the day finally came for my appointment I noticed light spotting, I was worried and googling but was optimistic that it was just a fluke and things would be ok. Then came the ultrasound. As I waited to see my little creation, I could see the look of concern on the ultrasound techs face, a look that told me everything and nothing all at once. My baby had no heartbeat. I spent the next week suffering in silence, I didn't know what to do or who to talk to since this little secret was kept all to myself. The bleeding continued while I went on with life as normal, going to work, talking to friends and family as if my life was the same but it was so different now. When my husband finally got home, I had to tell him everything at once. I knew he loved and supported me but could tell it really hadn't made an impact on him like it did on me. He didn't have this baby growing inside of him for weeks, he never got to spend his days imagining what we would be like as parents, what labor and delivery would be like, how to take care of my pregnant body- he just got to experience the news of life an loss all at once. We recovered together and had some big life changes but that first pregnancy had me trained. I would spend every month waiting to see if my period would come and every time it did I felt a sense of sadness and loss all over again. Then a year later it happened again, I was late and had a positive pregnancy test but this time I told my husband and best friends. Those feelings of excitement and hope all came back but this time they were mixed with fear. I proceeded to schedule my appointment for the first check and this time I had my husband by my side to experience the anticipation of meeting our little creation. The day came and this time it was a midwife who performed the ultrasound and once again I saw the look, once again my baby had no heartbeat. This one was different though, my body, my brain, my heart wasn't ready to give up on this little creation, this time I waited, and waited, and waited for the bleeding to start. I spent 5 weeks waiting, hoping my body would naturally birth this child but those 5 weeks were some of the most heartbreaking weeks of my life. Going on with life as usual but knowing, waiting for any moment when the bleeding would begin and I would once again lose another baby. Then when I could take it no longer I scheduled a D&C, my first ever surgical procedure under anesthesia. I remember laying on the surgery room bed when the anesthesiologist and my doctor (both male) came in, I had been weeping all morning and was only barely keeping it together when they came to my bedside to greet my husband and I. I remember the anesthesiologist asking “how my day was going” and I just fell apart. How did he think my day was going? I had just spent the last 5 weeks waiting to lose my baby and now the day had come that I had to admit to myself and my doctors that I was holding on to this being so tight that I naturally couldn't birth my child. The D&C ended up being a positive experience that forced me to take some down time and acknowledge what my body was going through. Also, the idea of my uterus being cleaned out surgically made me feel like I would have a fresh start once I was healed. The trouble is though, our thoughts and beliefs can only take us so far, I ended up having two more pregnancies after the D&C and spending those months in between pregnancies and miscarriages waiting, hoping, and feeling loss on a monthly basis. It wasn't until I lost my grandfather a year after the D&C that it all really hit me. I had a complete and total mental breakdown. I remember driving home from San Diego, back to the Central Coast (a 6 hour drive), I had spent the whole morning processing the loss of my grandfather, someone who of all my parental figures showed me the truest form of unconditional love. I remember thinking to myself that he was the parent that I hoped I would become and that's when it hit me, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see straight, I had to pull over, I had to take a break. That was the start of months of anxiety, panic and processing, not just my loss of a parent but the loss of my babies and the hopes and dreams I had of becoming a parent. It was some of the hardest months of my life, I had never grieved like that any time before. It took me almost a year to feel like I had processed my grief and was ready to move on with trying again. Then in early 2018 after a few months of trying, waiting to see if my period would come every month we hit the ovulation mark and in May my pregnancy test had strong blue lines. This time I told myself I would wait until 10 weeks to do the first ultrasound, I couldn't bear to see another look of loss on a techs face. My husband and I went in with a bit of fear but a renewed sense of optimism and our hopes came true, our little creation had a heartbeat and was measuring 10 weeks like we hoped. Those early weeks were brutal though, and it was hard to enjoy much about pregnancy in those early days between morning sickness and fear of loss. I had heightened anxiety and worry but we made it through and went on to have a healthy pregnancy. A little over a year went by raising my first born and I started to think about baby number two and started to worry if I had the same experience of multiple losses before a healthy pregnancy that we better get trying so in early 2020 we started trying again and once again in May 20202 I had another strong blue line that led to my second healthy pregnancy. Despite all the loss I’ve experienced I feel incredibly blessed that we were able to conceive naturally and never had to go the IVF route even though I started to go down that rabbit hole. I also believe that keeping the losses to myself in the early days contributed to unnecessary stress and worry that likely didn't help my body in staying pregnant. Now whenever I have friends and family trying to conceive I encourage them to share thier early pregnancy with thier close friends and family so that they have the support they need if miscarriage happens. I hope sharing my story gives you a sense of hope for your future pregnancies. Just know, there is a tribe of women before you who have walked in your shoes and you can and will get through this hard time.